Why Fixing Yourself Fails — The Real Key to Lasting Change

Still feeling stuck, even after all the journaling, healing, or manifesting?
You’re not broken — you’ve just been trying to fix something that actually needs to be nourished.

In this episode, Dr Amen Kaur—trauma-informed, executive and scientist-turned-soul-led mentor—guides you through a powerful reframe: real transformation doesn’t come from willpower or self-criticism. It begins when you meet the real, unmet needs underneath your patterns.

You’ll discover:

• Why willpower-based healing fails (and what neuroscience reveals about lasting change)
• The identity void: that liminal space between your past self and the version you’re becoming
• How unmet needs like worthiness, rest, and safety drive our behavior
• The truth about nervous system regulation, Maslow’s hierarchy, and trauma integration
• A new way forward that centers nourishment, not pressure

This episode blends soulful truth with scientific grounding, offering high-achieving, spiritually aware women a roadmap out of burnout and into embodied leadership.

Your stuckness isn’t a flaw. It’s a message from your soul.
One that says: You’re ready to meet your needs and become who you truly are.

✨ If you’re ready to stop fixing and start becoming —
 share this with a friend, and book a 1:1 session with Amen.

In our session, we’ll gently uncover the real need beneath the loop you keep finding yourself in — so you can finally feel clear, safe, and aligned again.
The real you isn’t lost.
She’s just waiting to be birthed.

👉 Book now click here — and let’s meet the part of you that’s been waiting to be seen.

Chapters

• 0:00 Trapped in Self-Improvement Loops
• 2:45 Why Willpower Always Fails
• 4:59 Nourishment vs. Fixing Yourself
• 8:20 Identifying Your Real Core Needs
• 12:25 Moving from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
• 14:30 Remember Who You Truly Are

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

If you've ever felt like you're doing all the inner work, the journaling, the healing, the manifesting, but you still feel and find yourself stuck in the same loops. You are not alone and you're definitely not broken. I will prove this to you In this episode. We're going to show you why fixing yourself doesn't ever work and how meeting your real unmet needs is actually the key to moving forward. Because if you don't ask that question what do I actually need? You will stay stuck in what I called an identity void, that's that in-between space where you know you can't do what you were doing before because it's not working or it's painful, but you also have no idea how to move forward to become the person that you're meant to be, the person that you're meant to be. And I know this space intimately because I've lived it for so long. For years I kept looping in the same patterns, especially in relationships and thinking. I needed more, to do more or to stop getting into these type of toxic relationships or thinking. I needed to do more mindset work or more better thinking patterns, more pushing and trying to reinvent myself. But it wasn't more pressure or needing to change or reinvent myself that I needed. It was actually nourishment. It was worthiness. It was really understanding what it is that I really need to do. And actually, neuroscience points to this Some of the greats like Stephen Porges, dan Siegel, basil van der Kolk, who are legends in the work that they've done.

Speaker 1: 2:07

Neuroscience shows that lasting behavior doesn't change when we are trying to use willpower or trying to stop doing something. It actually starts when you meet your core, your real core, emotional and somatic needs. When I started to do that, that's when things started to shift. What I really want for you also is for that. So let's begin. Most of us are trying to push through pain with willpower, and you might see yourself trying to do that every day. I need to. You get your to-do list going and I need to do this, and you feel yourself energised and you're using motivational power, willpower. And then you say I'm going to stop dating toxic people, I'm going to learn everything I need to do about toxic individuals, I'm going to study narcissism and psychopaths, and or I need to manifest more money, I'm going to create my vision board, or I'm going to try and force a pivot and we think the solution is more like discipline, working harder or using a different tool and putting more pressure on ourselves, as though there's something wrong with us. But science also tells us that that willpower is always short term. That's why when we try and do new, like New Year's resolutions, they never last, because it lives in the prefrontal cortex and our patterns actually live in the nervous system and in the emotional brain. So if you're using willpower that's in the prefrontal cortex, you can't get to your patterns that are living in the nervous system and the emotional brain. And we can see that in Maslow's hierarchy and the polyvagal theory and even, as scientists have studied, trauma more and more.

Speaker 1: 4:11

So it's like trying to stop eating chocolate. Honestly, this is something I've really, really struggled with. When your body is actually starving for real nutrients, a proper moment, aha moment where I really understood ah, that's my real need is the nutrients. Am I eating truly healthily? Because, for instance, even your body, you can't. So people start doing these diets where you're not eating and you're trying to use willpower and starving yourself, etc. And really the most important way of actually getting healthy or losing weight or anything like that is actually just focusing on meeting your nutritional needs. Actually just focusing on meeting your nutritional needs, for instance, getting enough fruit, getting enough vegetables and then looking at how does the body actually absorb all those nutrients and drinking enough water, things like that. And then you find I'm not feeling so hungry anymore because the body is only triggering your body to feel hungry, because it might be thirsty, for instance, and we're programmed to get water from vegetables, etc.

Speaker 1: 5:32

Fixing isn't really about control. Fixing is about control. We're trying to control ourself, but healing, healing and actually really meeting your unmet needs. It's more about nourishment, if we take that whole analogy of your body. It's making sure that you're getting what you truly want at a core level, because there's nothing to fix. There's nothing to fix about you. You're absolutely perfect, but it's because somewhere along the lines you're not getting a need met. So what do you actually need? What if the pattern isn't a problem but it's just like a mirror?

Speaker 1: 6:18

So say, if you know I'm getting into these toxic relationships, what if most of us don't need to change who we are, as if there's something wrong with you, but to actually meet the parts of us that never got seen, never got held, never got validated, actually meeting those basic needs? So let's start with looking at what is it that you're trying to manifest in your life. Is it love? Is it money, is it health? And then really looking at what is the real need, what is that real need underneath that? Is it that you want to really express your creativity and to trust your path so that you can then generate money from that?

Speaker 1: 7:11

So, for instance, say if you've lost your job, what's your real need? You might, on the surface, think I need to make money, but what's your real basic truth? Your core need I can guarantee if you lost your job is because you weren't meant to be in that job. It wasn't serving you and, on a deeper level, that wasn't serving you anymore. So you lost that job so that you could meet a core need, which is to do what it is that you're meant to do, to step into your genius mode and really express who you are, rather than doing something that is like a slow, almost painful death. It's something that isn't fulfilling you. Okay.

Speaker 1: 7:58

So say, if the pattern is attracting toxic relationships, the real need is self-worth, because you're attracting someone that's devaluing you. If you're attracting someone that's devaluing you, it's because they believe that everybody else is wrong and they are the victim and that people aren't meeting their needs and they keep asking for more, more and more, but they don't value what you give them. So you could give them like something so valuable that could literally change their life, but they won't use it and then they'll blame you for it. They'll say you're not giving me enough, and then you keep trying to give more, more, more, more to get that self-worth. Or maybe it's energetic boundaries, or you need to learn how to regulate your nervous system or regulate your emotional needs. It might be that you're attracting toxic relationships because, fundamentally, you're wanting to learn how to regulate your emotions or regulate your nervous system.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Research shows that in attachment theory and emotional development shows that unmet emotional needs from childhood become core drivers in adult behavior until they're seen and safely integrated. This is some of the work that people like John Bowlby, lisa Fieldman, barrett, richard Swartz did, and so many people say that you will not stop attracting toxic relationships until or toxic individuals, because we attract people that fulfill that, that have the same or the mirror psychological wounds that we're carrying. So, for instance, if I don't feel worthy, I'll attract someone that's going to tell me I'm not worthy. You don't need to force a breakthrough. You need to meet a need, and that starts with I need to really understand my value. And how do I understand my value? Maybe I need to know what my core strengths are, my core value is. Maybe I need to know how to make sure I stay within the boundaries of contracts or whatever. It is that you need to really learn, and it's fulfilling your need that way.

Speaker 1: 10:37

So how do we move forward? What's the shift? Where am I trying to fix something? That's the key here. Where am I trying to fix something? That's the key here. I really want you to think about that. Where am I trying to fix something and what part of me is actually really needing love, safety or permission? Usually, it all boils down to one of these.

Speaker 1: 11:02

When you shift from self-criticism of thinking I need to fix something, I've done that wrong or I'm not good enough, to actual self-compassion, you activate the ventral vagus nerve, which calms your system down and allows for clarity, allows for choice and a new identity to emerge. This is so important when we're in that identity void where we know we can't continue in what was what we were doing, because we've moved on and something else needs to be birthed through you. It's like you need a new version of yourself, but rather than thinking of, oh, I've got to reinvent myself, as if you've got to fix it. You really need to allow yourself to meet that need that is coming through, so that you can then be birthed. You can have the new identity emerge, unfold, become so notice, like the urge to fix things, like, or where you criticize yourself and then pause and ask what does this part of me really need right now? Maybe you need a hug. Maybe you need to tell yourself you know what you've tried and you're doing okay.

Speaker 1: 12:28

I just need a break. I need a breather. I need to go for a walk, I need to nourish my body, and what would I give a friend who was feeling this way? Maybe you need a hug. You need some love. I really am trying to get across.

Speaker 1: 12:48

Please, you are not broken. You just need to meet your needs. You don't need to go out there and buy things to try and fix yourself or do things to try and fix yourself. It's really about remembering who you truly are, and sometimes we have blocks to remembering who we truly are. You're not stuck because you're doing something wrong or you're doing it wrong, whatever it is. We're stuck because a part of you is still waiting to be met, and when you meet that need, your new identity meets you. It's like you birthing a new you. You don't need to heal everything today. You're not going to be able to just like a baby. It needs nine months to heal, to grow, to develop so it can be birthed. Develop so it can be birthed. You need to start with the need that is being ignored the longest. That needs to be your next step. What is it that you need? Core, core need. Is it you need more love? Then focus on that. Is it that you need more understanding of where your worth is, understanding of where your worth is? Then start with that.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Thank you so much for listening, for those people are staying with me, especially as I shift, evolve and move through my own identity void. I hope you can see I'm going through an identity void. I am birthing a new me and I'm not here to pretend I have it all figured out. I am learning. I'm learning how to birth a new version of myself in real time, right alongside you. This space is raw, it's real and I hope you find and you can feel that and if you're moving through this transition from the old you that no longer fits anymore and to a new version of you that's still forming I would love to support that and you can start becoming who you're meant to be, sending you so much love and also a real wish for you that you remember who you truly truly are. You don't need to be fixed. Fixed, you just need to come back home to yourself and allow that part of you to be birthed, sending you love till next time.